2002-10-12 - 12:03 a.m.
“I never wanted to be anybody else.”
You can’t deny it. You have always wanted to be someone else. It’s a secret you’ve been hiding. But now that the world has turned and your stomach churns, it should be revealed, it will be revealed. You try to keep your distance, hardly speaking, just listening to the secrets others are glad to tell. The ugliness that you feel is only your fault on one level, but it’s not the visionary one. You are like Betsey said, “a walking contradiction.” It’s just weird that you don’t know it yet. Didn’t it feel special to be one of the last ones left?
I guess life can’t go on when I’m left in that crowd; it isn’t supposed to be like that. I make my own destiny. Unlike others who allow societal failure to define their future, I do what I want. I’ve never had these wings before. They let me fly far away. This is something I’ve always wanted and I won’t let the city ruin it. Now that I know this place I’m staying here. The pusher don’t care.
Of course you are going to deny it. You think you can just ride along this path with fame and glamour. Say it ain’t so. You fucking moron. People have branded you this and you don’t even know it yet. You look at things, but you don’t even know why, it’s just another thing in this place. Everyone becomes beautiful and you love them for it. But you’ve known beautiful things before, and where are they now?
I never asked for them to be brought into this. I’ve realized that “loneliness is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.” During this, I’m not human, I’m not existing, I’m not alone. What more could I ask, what more could I say? I used to search others around me to disprove this. They never disproved anything, only proved how I was looking in the wrong place; I couldn’t see through the smoke, there was no time to cry.
Don’t refer, confer. You have no person, no quote, no theorem to blame this on. Remember when you told her how you felt about it, and how you cried? There was time to cry. Was it because the wind was blowing too hard or was it you that blew it? Think about that next time you motor around the societal failures you so desperately want to avoid. How special do you feel now? Fucking moron.
